Valentines day

Valentines day, otherwise known as:

Hallmark day
Chocolates day
Ungrateful fuckers day
Buy my love day
I'll not talk to you if don't buy me this day
No sex for you because your cheap day
NO, THERE WILL BE NO ANAL FOR YOU TONIGHT day

I feel i have to shower you with gifts on this day only and not on any other day of the year..day.

Im going to say this straight off the bat here, No, i do not have any problem with any couple at all. Not one. Im happy for the people that are in relationships and have found what they have been looking for and realise love feeds of nothing but kindness and caring and a wanting to be each others everything. (Que some Whitney Huston)...too soon? Nope.

However, "Couples" and i put that word in quotation marks in this instance, that feel the need to shower their "loved" ones with chocolates, flowers, money, jewellery, dinners, stupid edible underwear and little trinkets for one particular day of the year that is governed by selfishness, greediness and insecurity are the most disgusting, vile, wretched cunts ever born into this world

Its disheartening that the concept of Valentines day (Which actually doesn't sound to bad on paper) has turned into nothing more than a competition between two horribly self involved people trying to out do each other by buying each other superficial presents in order to make each other happy, why not do it randomly a few days a year, why does it have to be the day when cards and chocolates and whatever are deliberately more expensive? That does not make sense? Fucking wait until AFTER Valentines day, everything is lower in price and its a better idea since we are in a recession.

But obviously that wouldn't be good enough because it wasn't expensive. If you seriously have to buy things for your girlfriend or boyfriend to make sure that they don't huff and moan at you for one day then you have bigger problems than having a dickheadish wanker for a partner.

I tried doing valentines day one time with a girlfriend and it was possibly the worst experience of my life, the restaurant is crowed and the feeling of over pleasing and the smell of hair spray and expensive aftershave is so pungent i was pretty sure i was starting to phase out and reach a level of drug abuse I've never experienced before. The food was the same as any other day, the only difference was it put a very big smile on my ex girlfriends face, and what annoyed me the most was she wasn't even the most product centred person!!, but because i did this stuff for her on a day that was marked as "spend all your money on this woman so she will hopefully spend a longer amount of time with you" day (i should have put this at the top) she was so happy.



It made me feel a bit sick. Obviously not because it made her happy but because thats what it took to do it.

Your basically buying love. Love should be a universal oneness between two people (That sounds very self righteous and bob marley-esque) but fuck it, its the truth. Real love does not expect or need presents for a particular time of the year. Does it not say something about the type of person you are with that you need to lavish them just so they don't feel sad? That is some deep psychological shit going on there.

Thorntons, Clintons, Lush, Boots and small convenience stores are the churches set up for this horrible 24 hour drama fest. Husbands, wives, girlfriends and boyfriends all rushing, worrying and sometimes maybe crying to get something expensive so that their "better" half's don't fall out with them. Fucking get over yourselves.

The only people i feel sorry for? The single people. Not because they are bitter or lonely or have a hope of finding love on this particularly shitty day, but because its in their face. I mean, its really shoved in their face like a disgusting practical joke, they are made to feel less of a person because someone doesn't love them on this day, and your probably thinking, "huh yeah but uh, they feel that all of the time dude" and thats true they might.

However, people that have no one are surrounded by things that they would maybe want to have someday, someone to be with, to look after and care for and maybe JUST maybe if they are lucky enough, fall in love and for once be happy. But all of you who endorse this depressive holiday make them aware that they are still lonely and unloved, and the worst thing of all is no one can blame you for it.

Its not your fault they are without someone, of course it isn't, but its your fault that you apply the feeling of loneliness 10 times over and that is what makes this holiday so disgusting.

I started this post in the hopes of trying to make it a bit funny but I've just realised that its a lot darker than i thought it would have been, and i really don't give a fuck I'm really the only one that reads it anyway.

Its a holiday that can make or break a relationship with boyfriends and girlfriends, and its a holiday that can cause rifts in marriages, based on money at the end of the day. You think I'm bitter for writing this, and your probably right i am, but while i may not be in a relationship and i may be alone, I'm not buying anyones love.

My plans for Valentines day will be a bit less hectic anyway, i think I'm going to go get a few bottles of wine, dress my cats smartly and maybe stick on a few boyz 2 men songs and drink myself into a deep depression and moan to myself quietly. Sounds more appetising than what most other people will be doing, only the wine is a present to myself for not going out and sticking a knife in the faces of all those couples celebrating tomorrow.

Well done me. =]






On a lighter note, Why did the chicken cross the road?














To get to the flower shop and get an expensive bunch of flowers for valentines day (later on the chicken got shoved into the oven by his wife because the flowers were a bit shit)

Countdown

Its valentines day in 6 days. I WILL have arthritis by the time i have finished my rant on the 14th. That is a promise.

FUCKING FLU

I hate the flu, i fucking hate it so much that i wish i could just curl up into a tiny ball and roll into the middle of the earth and burn alive. It's honestly that annoying. I also don't like to be around people with cold's or flu either because they are never considerate! They never cover their mouths or blow their noses, they just proceed to go ahead and snort it up back into their throats and they sound like chewbaca getting raped violently by boabafett (Not sure if thats the right spelling). That sound haunts me at night.

I've decided to carry a box of Klenex around with me from now on even when i don't have the cold so when I'm with someone that decides to hawk their disgusting horrible mucus sacs back into their throats ill offer them a tissue so i don't have to put myself through that pain. Its not being nice, its for their own safety so i don't have to slice their face's open and shovel out all that gunk from their nose myself.

Not sure what else to write....Christmas is here in a few days, although it would be kind of hard not to realise that since Christmas has been slapping all of us in the face since the 1st of November. What a bunch of bastards the media are, not only can you not escape the Television, Radio and any other form of media that you have to buy gifts for your snotty children or snotty girlfriend or just snotty family, but even Convenience stores with their OWN Radio station have the Christmas songs blaring! And what makes it worse is the fact that I've worked in a convenience store before, and that bastard is on a loop, a fucking 4 hour loop of non stop christmas songs, that means if i had to work an 8 hour shift, all the customers would be fucking slaughtered and stuffed in a racking right next to the christmas fucking pudding which also tastes like salted spit.

Maybe it tastes like Chewbaca's rape?

Conclusion:

Colds and flu's are shit
And Christmas Radio is a cause for national safety.

Love - The horrible, never ending feeling of pain and dispair....and chocolates.

Oh love. What a joyous feeling, birds are singing and the grass is greener than usual, and sex is not that bad either.

On the other hand it is the most depressing horrible thing i could ever possibly think of. People in love are nasty. Just nasty people. They make single people feel inadequate. I suppose to a point single people are, no chocolates to buy, cards, gifts, christmas presents, or little i love you trinkets. That money just goes to alcohol, which leads to nights out, then leads to awkwardly leaning in the corner of a club dancing like a parkinsons disease victim trying to talk to women but cant because you arent wearing the latest £30 boxers from Holister.

What happened to good old fashioned girlfriend and boyfriend relationships? I think the last time i had one of those was when i was 10...and even then i ended up getting married to the girl next door in a somewhat cheap ceremony in the back of her grandmothers house with my mother and her mother watching while i awkwardly shifted from side to side nearly pissing  myself with sheer embarassment. Yes even at that age i knew love was stupid.

Not to say i have never loved someone before because i have, but when that ended we didnt become friends. I stayed the same and she became a cunt...why do women do that?! what is the need?

At this point i would like to say i feel like a hate camel, and if you have not heard of one of those animals, its someone who try's a few things once every year just to justify their hate for it. I do look for love every year (i never find it) but i do become smug as fuck with myself when valentines day rolls around. I could guess there are probably more suicides in that day than any other in the year...and Thortons are to blame

Yes thats right, Thorntons, that lovely little cute chocolate and card shop who's only goal in life is to make people's lifes that bit sweeter...When really its a vicious little shop of whores who package hopes and dreams into clingfilm and cardboard boxes and envelopes, BUT! You feel compelled to go into this horrible chocolatey abyss of hatred and self loathing to see what goods are on offer so you can bribed your love one to maybe try and love your pathetic self for one more year. Of course when you dont see anything that would suit your one and only, the looks that you get from the Satan spawn helpers could rip your heart out worse than any cheating spouse or boy/girlfriend ever could.

Girlfriend/boyfriend relationships are the way forward. Leave love out of it, unless you really are, in that case i say by all means go for it, and good luck to you. For the rest of us miserable singletons, we shall keep hating your guts

For ever and ever

Amen


Summary: People in love are sniffiling little cocklicks and single people are angry depressed annoying wankers. You just cant win.

JAYSUS

I haven't been here in a while...i'll update it for myself in a day or so since im the only one that reads it.

Christians, Summer and sweating.

Ah christians...every so often you seem to make yourselves known again, its almost like you go away for a period of time so all of the demons and fun people can run rampant on the world, then you come back with your awful cardboard signs making sure to let us know that we are going to go to a warm place where sin is commonplace and a man with a pitchfork strolls around telling minions what to do....well...i must say that sounds honestly terrifying, i hope the nasty red man doesnt give me a cocktail to go with my warm jaccuzi, that would just be horrible.

More to the point though, everyone else will apparently go to hell and burn for eternity  for not believing in god or sinning but yet the Christians get a free pass if they carry out war in the name of Jesus and god? Wow...the double standard that these guys have is truly numbing. Id rather pull my fingernails out with pliers and use a crucifix as an anal masturbation object than become that hypocritical. Hating people because they are gay, bisexual, black, Muslim, any other religious beliefs or followings is totally the way to show god that your spreading your love, you fucking arrogant pig snouts, id love to get you all in one room and roast your nipples with an electric car cable and pour 3 month old piss into your eyes and dance like an Aborigine around your little decrepit bodies...AUGHHHHH.

On a lighter note...Summer is right around the corner which is always a great time of year for me because i get to sweat like a pedophile looking at children's story books. Its a love/hate thing with myself and summer because as much as i love the sunshine, i hate the sweating and the uncomfortable feeling that my feet get when they are enclosed in my plastic tombs. Skin starts coming off the sole of my foot and my toes look like sausage rolls that have been dunked in water and left to ferment.

On the bright side, nice weather and cocktails are strife during the summer, which certainly suits me down to the ground, i love beer gardens and beer and well...more beer i suppose. The only other thing i hate about summer is Belfast city.

Its full of people, as you can probably tell im not that much of a people person, but i mean it really does take the piss. Its like your playing a constant game of space invaders when walking through belfast in July, Constantly trying to dodge prams and teenage girls who have so much fake tan on their skin that if you brush ever so slightly up against them its almost certain that your going to die from cancer by next year.

In a Nutshell, Christians are hypocrites, Summer can sort of be fun and i have sausage rolls for toes.

Stopping smoking and snobs

I see its been a while since i put a post up here. Probably because im the only one that reads them and this blog space of mine is pretty much like a personal account of my flaws in myself and humanity. Excellent.

I stopped smoking yesterday. I could say i feel liberated and refreshed and that this is the start of a brand new era, but Im not going to and ill just be honest.

I hate everyone, you, your mother, my friends, your friends. Its so hard, and of course you have non-smokers acting like Jesus Christ's left testicle with such words of comfort as "Well if you didn't start you wouldn't have this problem". Well gee, thank you very much you little pretentious little prick, "If you didn't breathe then i wouldn't have to listen to your asinine comments about my choices in life". If i wanted to be in the presence of a big prick, i would use a pump on myself.

People like you is why i smoke, its probably why anyone smokes to be honest, we have more fun than you anyway. Or should i say...i USED to have more fun than you...now i am one of you...it sickens me.


Snobs have been on my awareness lately. It seems that when summer comes around they seem to crawl out of the social woodwork and make themselves known, like a dog whos proud that it took a shit on the floor or a cat who sprayed its piss all over a wall.

You know the type of people im talking about. The blonde haired, summer dress wankers who drive their cars top down and wear sunglasses that Michael Jackson would be proud of. Oh and the fact that they justify Magners as a posh cider all because they added a pint glass and some ice. Cider is for tramps who sit on a bench and smell faintly of piss and eggs.

To summarize = I've become a non smoker, thus becoming disappointed in myself and snobs drink piss and egg orientated alcohol.